Performative Peace: A Young Woman's Fight Against the Abuse of Spiritual Authority and Trust within a faith community.

Today, I get to share the story of a young woman who experienced two very different situations that followed the same pattern. They began with small boundary violations that gradually escalated over time. 

We'll talk about boundary testing, the misuse of authority, and why inappropriate behavior often develops one small step at a time. We'll also explore why these situations are so difficult to recognize when you are in them and how trust can create blind spots. You may hear part of your own story in hers, as many of us find ourselves questioning our instincts rather than the behavior that made us uncomfortable.

One area I think many institutions are weak in, is a clear reporting channel, when we know who we can go to we are empowered to take necessary steps. When this is not in place, it creates confusion and a lack of accountability for everyone involved. My hope is that this conversation helps us recognize patterns earlier and better protect the people entrusted to our care. Early intervention is something that can save so many people from an escalation of abuse.

Before anything made you uncomfortable, how did you view these men? What made you trust them?

​The older man was a close friend of my parents and someone they trusted, so I figured I could do the same. As for the young adult pastor, I saw him as someone in the church who was trying to include me and help me connect with others my age. In both situations, social and relational dynamics were at play.

​Looking back on both situations, when was the very first moment your gut told you something wasn't right?

​The older man and his wife invited me on a weekend trip to “spoil me” and take me to see a specific limited-time event near our area. I did initially think it strange that it was just me going, but I knew they both, especially him, took a special liking to me. I told myself that I was overthinking it, and besides, the event was too special; I couldn’t ruin it. I remember getting dropped off at their house before the weekend, and I remember feeling a wave of anxiety take over me. I attributed it to excitement about the trip and to being nervous about being away from my family. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t treated like a princess the whole weekend, because I was. I honestly was having the time of my life and enjoying every second of seeing something I waited so long for… until he reached out for my hand as we were walking together. I was immediately taken aback and felt extremely uncomfortable. Before this, communication boundaries through texting were definitely pushed, but I didn’t realize the nature of his intentions until now.​

With the young adult pastor, my gut feeling tipped me off pretty early. I don’t believe any man should be making comments about another woman’s body, saying that they look pretty, suggesting they should hang out, or wanting to bring alcohol in the equation when they are in a relationship. I also remember him sending me an unsolicited photo of my nephew, who was not even 18 months old at the time. He told me my nephew had called him "Uncle [Name]" while visiting my siblings. I remember feeling unsettled that he had taken a photo of my nephew and used it as a reason to initiate a conversation with me. He was creating many different scenarios to talk with me; he even went as far as to create a fake number to reach me. When I tried to confront him, he tried to diminish it by saying he was “just being friendly.” I later found out he messaged another young woman who attended one young adult event and she felt deeply uncomfortable with the nature of the messages sent on social media.

At the time, did you trust that feeling, or did you explain it away?

​In both situations, I would say I acknowledged the feelings but ended up dismissing them as “oh, they were being too friendly”. Which is what I felt like young women in the church are supposed to respond when someone crosses a boundary of theirs.

​Do you think these situations happened all at once, or were they a series of increasingly inappropriate moments? What can others look out for?

​Both situations were a series of increasingly inappropriate moments that spanned over a couple of years. While these situations did not overlap, it's important to note that in both situations I was either physically vulnerable (as a 16-year-old girl) or mentally vulnerable (as I was dealing with failed relationships), which both predators were aware of and I believed used to their benefit.​ I think it’s extremely important for others to listen to their gut feelings when someone does something or says something that makes them feel uncomfortable. You are feeling that way for a reason, and you do not need anyone else to validate your feelings but you.

​During these circumstances, who did you feel was responsible for making things less awkward, you or him?

​I was always the one trying to defuse the situation in both situations.

​When the young adult pastor would text me something that insinuated that he was flirting with me, I would just crack a joke or bring up someone else I was interested in. To stop him from reaching out every time there was a ministry event, I joined the group chat for that specific ministry. When he reached out to ask me why I joined the chat (which he never invited me to), I flat-out told him it was so he wouldn’t have to text me when a new event was happening.

​When the older man first grabbed my hand on that trip, I remember weighing my options and trying to figure out the best way to get out of the situation without offending him. After all, they just spent a lot of money on me, and there was still a whole other day left on our trip. After what felt like eternity, I thought of reaching into my purse and rummaging around with both hands for something, anything, that would get my hand free. After I realized that worked, I hoped it was a one-and-done moment. It was not. He kept reaching for my hand, and I finally realized that if I held my phone in the hand closest to him, I could have an excuse not to have my hand grabbed. I was self-conscious about my position relative to him and tried to walk out of his range, which was extremely difficult on this trip.

If someone looked at just one text message or one interaction by itself, they might say, "That doesn't seem that bad." Why is looking at the whole pattern so important?

​Looking at the overall pattern is so important because it shows how these predators become more comfortable the longer these interactions continue. What could initially be seen as harmless or “they are being too friendly” will continue to snowball until it turns into a situation that is difficult to walk away from. These predators are smart as well. They seemingly “test” how far they can push the boundaries with you, and when there is recoil, they claim they were just being nice. These manipulation tactics are used so often that you start to question whether it is all in your head and that you are overreacting. And thus the cycle repeats again.

​How did the fact that one of the men was a leader over the ministry you attended affect the way you interpreted his behavior?

​This angered me more. Even though I did not attend many ministry events, I was part of a group chat and saw how he was treated by other ministry members. It was as if he put on this act to cover for himself so others who were victims of his would second-guess his intentions and believe that his inappropriate behavior was really just him being too nice.

​Were you more worried about being believed or about getting someone in trouble?

​I would say that, with the older man, I was more worried about being believed, as I was only 16 years old. When I initially told my parents, they both agreed that, yes, it was a weird thing to happen, but he probably meant nothing by it, since they'd known him for years and hadn’t had any bad feelings from him. I want to be extremely clear that I do not hold my parents responsible for their initial reaction. They trusted this individual and had no reason to believe that his actions weren’t innocent.

​With the pastor, I was not worried about getting him in trouble. I was too disgusted by his actions at that point. When I had to report it the second time, I did initially feel bad reporting not only his inappropriate actions, but also the other pastor to whom I first took this issue and failed to take the appropriate action.

​What kind of response would have made you feel protected?

​I felt most protected when my mom started to notice how uncomfortable I became in church when the older man lurked around (which didn’t take long after I told them what happened on the trip). She actively tried to keep him away from me, even using my breakup with his nephew to get him to leave me alone and give me space. It was during that time that I realized I could also use that as an excuse to block him and stop any communication. Now, I regret having to make excuses to justify my decision to finally stop all communication. I believe that’s what made me so willing and unashamed to report the young adult pastor.

​How did it feel when you discovered other women had experienced similar things?

​The first time I ever got validation for my uncomfortable feelings towards the older man came from the family of someone I was very close with at the time. They had known him for a while and shared personal situations with me that made me realize it wasn’t just that he didn't understand boundaries; there was a blatant disregard for them. While I am no longer close with that family and therefore won’t go into detail about their shared experiences with him, I am thankful for their validation in this situation.

​I think it upset me more knowing that another young woman experienced similar reactions from that before the noted pastor. I remember feeling angry that she was subjected to multiple blatantly inappropriate messages from a pastor at a ministry she attended once. It was knowing that this behavior was happening to other young women that led me to initially report it to another pastor I thought I could trust. Realizing how quickly he started flirting with me makes me concerned that the pattern extends far beyond just her and me. One thing I've learned is that people who repeatedly violate boundaries don't typically stop out of the blue.

​If churches could learn one lesson from your story, what would you want it to be?

To the pastors and leadership of the church: I would urge them to conduct more thorough investigations the FIRST time something is brought to their attention. Taking every concern seriously and ensuring the process is impartial and free from influence by relationships or titles.

To finally work up enough courage to talk to someone in leadership, yet another pastor my family and I trusted for years, and the concern to be more focused on the official title of the young adult pastor than his actions was deeply discouraging.

To the congregation: If you see something, say something. I had this experience on one of the last Sundays I attended my home church. I have grown used to the stares and lurking behavior of that first older individual. I have gotten used to looking in different directions or walking away if I notice him coming towards me. After the service, a group of women I was sitting with pulled me aside to tell me that they were counting how many times this individual looked at me from his place on stage and in the wings. 47 times. And that doesn’t include the times before they started counting. It was also brought to my attention that the security guard sitting near our section had noticed it. As disgusted as I was, and still am, it was so incredibly validating to hear others see something that had made me uncomfortable for years. I’m so thankful to each of them for speaking to me and saying that it even made THEM feel uncomfortable. Addressing inappropriate behavior in the church is everyone’s responsibility, and it shouldn’t take multiple victims coming forward for accountability to begin.

​Anything else you would like to add?

Predators are smart, but they only last so long. They pick on the young and vulnerable, and as they get more cocky, they take greater risks. They get used to having no consequences for so long; they think they can get away with anything. It’s the risk that gets them eventually caught and outed. And these people took the wrong risk when they chose to mess with me.

I did want to thank the two main pastors who are investigating the many cases brought to their attention over the past couple of months. They have both treated me with the utmost respect and validated my feelings. They ensured the situation with the pastor was handled promptly and effectively, while keeping me informed of their decisions. I also wanted to thank my family, especially my mom, for their ongoing support in speaking out against these people and situations that have been plaguing me way too long.

^“Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.” Ephesians 5:11-13

After hearing this brave woman’s experience, I (Rachel) realized that growing up I believed grooming and abuse were more obvious. I have come to learn that these patterns are often subtle and slow. The beginning acts are usually easy to excuse, until they are not. They often will try to gain your trust so they can isolate and obligate you. If your intuition tells you something is off, trust yourself more than your history with this person. It is not rude to say no, it is not mean to decline their invitation, and it is not your responsibility to keep their ego inflated.

Churches have a beautiful but heavy responsibility to model the principles we preach. We need to respect others’ intuition, listen to their concerns, and encourage other leaders to be held to a godly standard. When leadership responds with care and validates these concerns, it creates an environment where people feel safe to speak up and know they will be heard. If it turns out to be a false alarm, we can have peace of mind knowing we followed the proper steps to ensure we have a safe environment.

-Rachel Reigard