Performative Peace: When One Mother Creates a New Legacy For Her Family.

​I recently got to sit down with Abagayle Ziegenfuss to hear her story of resilience after being put through the fire in a culture that allowed the incident to be burned. Tigger Warning: This story discusses child sexual abuse and may be triggering for survivors. Please read only if and when you feel ready. I am sharing this story to raise awareness, encourage education, and help prevent similar experiences from happening to others. We must always remember that we are called to act justly in boldness and in grace.

Micah 6:8, “He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”

​Let’s start from the beginning. Can you tell us about your upbringing and why your husband's family felt so appealing?

I was only 16 when I met my now-husband. I came from a chaotic, unstable home and desperately wanted the kind of family that felt safe, loving, and peaceful. My husband and his family seemed to be exactly that, a respected family everyone admired at my home church. When I noticed warning signs, I questioned myself instead. I wanted so badly to believe I had finally found safety that I overlooked things I never should have.

Looking back, what were those early warning signs that something wasn't right?

​I was not allowed to exist as an individual; I had to sacrifice my own convictions and intuition to have my place in the family. There was a hierarchy, and it was clear I was at the bottom. Criticism, put-downs, mockery, and constant correction became normal. Because years of instability had already destroyed my self-worth, I believed I was always the problem. Every insecurity I carried was reinforced, so I stopped trusting my own judgment.

This family was admired and deeply influential within the church community. They were held up as the model Christian family, and that very reputation made them seem untouchable. When I asked why certain things were done, I was taught their authority was not to be challenged. Hearing community members repeatedly say, "This family owns the church," reinforced the perception that they were unreachable and above accountability.

What happened with your daughter that changed everything?

The incident that fully woke the lion inside me is branded on my very shoulder and will never escape me as a mother. I was having oatmeal with my daughter before school. She was dressed in her little uniform and frilly socks, ready to go, when all of a sudden she put her head down and started crying. She disclosed to me that, at our church, another child in Sunday school had inserted two fingers to play doctor. I quickly found out this child was a family member. I held her hand and told her that mommy would protect her and that I was sorry. I put my sweet girl on the bus and then threw up on the side of our house.

As a mom, I felt like I had failed. I failed to protect her, but I will go to hell and back to make sure she never feels the shame I saw on her face that morning. There is no point in my life when I will stop fighting for any of the children. The sense of failure, shame, and grief never really goes away.  

How did the family respond when you tried to address what happened?

​We tried to have an honest conversation with the family, hoping to set healthy boundaries and protect both children involved. We believed the other child may also have been a victim and wanted to ensure every child was safe. Instead, the conversation turned aggressive. Our daughter was called a liar, and we were kicked out. As we were forced to leave, my father-in-law inserted himself, causing more division. Rather than listening, he dismissed the situation with the words, "Kids tell good stories." When I tried again a few days later to discuss boundaries, I was told that boundaries were considered disrespectful and unforgiving. My goal was never punishment but always protection and restoration. Sadly, instead of concern for the children, I saw anger, denial, and a determination to protect the family's reputation. Shortly after, a smear campaign began. I was portrayed as the villain for setting boundaries, while the abuse was minimized and simply ignored.

​When you went to church leadership, what response were you hoping for?

​We went to church leadership because we wanted help. We were in our early twenties and didn't know how to navigate what had happened. We believed our pastor would take our concerns seriously, help protect the children involved, connect us with resources, and report what needed to be reported. Instead, our concerns were largely dismissed.

​We were told that "next time this happens," we should give the family a book on appropriate boundaries, as if it were simply a parenting issue. We had hoped our concerns would be formally addressed, but no report was made despite our pastor being a mandated reporter. There were also no follow-ups or check-ins with our family. We even asked that the children be separated in Sunday school, but that never happened. Looking back, we also believe my mother-in-law's role as the pastor's secretary and my father-in-law’s role as a board member created a significant conflict of interest.

For church leaders, it is so important to take every report seriously, believe the person who comes forward, and listen with respect. Make sure to follow up, connect families to appropriate counseling or support services, and meet all reporting requirements. Above all, respond with compassion and transparency, so that families in need know they are both seen and supported.

​Despite other people being defensive and dismissive, you decided to set boundaries anyway. What happened after you began setting boundaries?

​The abuse only got worse. I was told I was putting my kids in danger, and I was not a good mother for acknowledging what my daughter endured. My mother-in-law claimed I ruined their testimony. From then on, it was clear we were not allowed at family functions. We were alienated, and no one tried to reach out. Even our own children were ignored despite our efforts to keep the door to restoration open. As a young mother, this destroyed me, and I was left to pick up the pieces.

​How did you separate your faith from the harmful culture you experienced?

​Separating my faith from the culture I experienced was a tough process. For years, religion and church culture were so intertwined that I struggled to tell the difference. Over time, I realized that what had been presented to me wasn't the heart of Jesus, but a system built on image, power, and control.

​Looking back, I can see God's protection even in the darkest moments, and I continue to pray that He would "restore what the locusts have eaten,” from Joel 2:25. Instead of striving to live up to an image of perfection, I learned to trust in a perfect Savior who meets broken people with grace. Today, our family's identity is no longer rooted in appearances, entitlement, or religious performance. It is rooted in a relationship with Jesus. I've learned that when religion is centered on protecting an image rather than following Christ, the outcome is often judgment, manipulation, condemnation, and secrecy. But when Jesus is at the center, there is humility, truth, repentance, and healing.

​What has healing looked like for you and your family?

Our healing journey looked like heavy therapy for both my husband and me, along with family therapy. Our goal became to give our children childhoods neither of us had and to be the parents we needed growing up. We want to be a safe place for others to bring their shame and heaviness without the weight of judgment and condemnation. Personally, I want to show my daughters a strong woman who can voice her wants and needs. That it is okay to take up space and exist boldly. My husband wanted to show our sons through this that a Godly man stands up for the less fortunate, even when it’s not the popular choice.

​My husband has also walked his own healing journey. He was raised believing his family was beyond question, but he has taken responsibility for his contributions to the hurt and has worked hard to break those generational curses.

​What do you hope churches learn from your story?

There is no such thing as being neutral when it comes to abuse; we must be bold enough to pick a side and stand firm. Talking about abuse of any kind is not gossip, drama, or something to dismiss; it is a sin that needs to be confronted head-on. It takes a lot of courage to speak up, and it needs to be met with love and support.

I believe a lack of education plays a big part in this type of culture. There is an amazing resource that can be found on https://saprea.org/blog/child-on-child-sexual-abuse/. I encourage everyone to read.

Child-on-child sexual abuse is far more common than many people realize, yet it remains one of the least discussed forms of abuse. Since sharing my daughter's story, numerous adults have reached out to tell me they experienced something similar as children. Many carried that trauma in silence for years because they didn't feel safe enough to talk about it or didn't understand what had happened to them.

As adults, we have a responsibility to listen when a child says they feel unsafe or uncomfortable around another child or an adult. When we dismiss their concerns or teach them that their boundaries don't matter, we unintentionally increase their vulnerability in the future. I recently learned that children who tell of their incident within one month are at a decreased risk for depression later in life.

Research suggests that a significant portion of child sexual abuse involves another child, yet these cases are often overlooked because the person who caused the harm is also a minor. The impact on the child who experienced the abuse, however, is still just as harmful.

Organizations such as Saprea emphasize that one of the most important things an adult can do is listen, believe the child, and respond with care. Child-on-child sexual abuse is frequently misunderstood and underreported. Greater awareness, education, and swift intervention are essential to ensure that every child involved receives the protection, support, and healing they deserve.

The burden of getting help should never be placed on any child involved. It is the responsibility of the adults to recognize the situation, respond appropriately, and ensure every child receives the help they need.

What would you say to someone who recognizes their own story in yours?

​Start talking about it! There is healing in releasing it. Don’t be afraid to reach out to others who have been through it and can understand this type of pain. You are not alone, and I hope you do not let shame stop you from having healing conversations.

​If you are a parent who mishandled a situation like this, it is never too late to restore and do the right thing. Acknowledge the sin that was ignored, ask for forgiveness, become better educated, and be an example for the next generation. There are preventable measures we can all take so this doesn't become another young mother’s story.

​“I will restore to you the years that the locusts have eaten — the swarming locust, the young locust, the destroying locust, and the devouring locust — my great army that I sent among you” Joel 2:25