I am not sure about you, but the first couple of days of the new year have left me tired. Not just physically but emotionally, spiritually, and mentally tired. I am exhausted and feel like I have little to give to myself let alone others. If that’s you, you are not alone. This world has a tendency to drain us needing more and more from us because it cannot fill us. The purpose of this world is not to fulfill us but to point us closer to God as we see the emptiness around us. An empty world brings conflict, when one runs from God there is conflict. We see it on TV, we feel it in ourselves, we deal with it at work. Conflict is everywhere, and although it can be difficult it should not be avoided.
Conflict can sound a lot like division, but there is a massive difference. Division says there is a line between us that can not be crossed, leaving very little room for grace and understanding.
Conflict can call out a problem and then mend the issue. You can’t fix a problem if you pretend there is none. A lot of churchgoers like to put on a smile and pretend that everything’s okay, told to not make any waves. That is why some leaders get away with moral failures for so long because people are afraid of conflict.
So how do we go about handling conflict in a healthy way?
Go Right to the Source
Social media is not the source of the problem. Go to the person who hurt you and have a direct and honest conversation with them. Simply talking about them to your friends is not going to do anything but encourage your anger and probably make the problem much worse. If there is a rumor heard, or something you thought you saw, go to the person and ask, it will spare so much confusion and hurt. I know friends can be a great source but just make sure it is a productive conversation and words will not get twisted.
Being direct is a lost art, everyone walks on eggshells and tiptoes around the problem (which is why the issue never gets resolved). Let me clarify, being direct is not the same thing as being hurtful and attacking the person, it’s stating how you feel and how the situation affected you.
Another source that is good in the time of conflict is a counselor or trusted mentor. Go to someone who will speak wisdom into you not simply feed into your own wants. They often have a birds-eye view and can see things in a way you can’t.
Give Yourself Time
Are you in a conflict with a friend? Family member? Spouse? Then time is your much-needed friend. It can be easy, when emotionally charged, to say something harmful and unnecessary. If you give yourself time to walk away, gain wisdom, and calm down, much more productive conversations can take place.
Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
I find that when the conflict escalated into an unhealthy screaming match is it because one of us attacked the other’s character. That can sound like, “You are a jerk,” “You only care about yourself,” “You’re a terrible friend.” Statements like this can cause a person to defend themselves (and who could blame them) and then derail the conversation to something different entirely. Giving yourself space can help you not make any rash or brazen decisions you may come to later regret.
The purpose of conflict is not to tear down the other person, it is to communicate what you need out of the relationship. If you do that, and it is not respected or valued that it may be time to take the next steps in creating a better situation in whatever that looks like to you. Creating boundaries, going to counseling, looking inward, etc. Side note: Counseling is good for friendships and work relationships too, not just marriages!
Matthew 18: 15-17 says, “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”
Pray Pray Pray
As a believer, you are going to feel the conflict in the world. At times, you will feel unsettled and uneasy and that is because of the spiritual warfare going on that we cannot see. If you feel defeated and broken down you will not find the strength you need from things of this world. I need to remind myself to pray because I like to handle things on my own but God can work things out in a way I can’t even comprehend. We know the ending of this story, God wins. The enemy may seem to have the upper hand in the battle, but the Lord will win the war. Carry on knowing you will one day be free from this worldy conflict and will be in a place of eternal peace.
Ephesians 4:31-32 says, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
