Why I Support Modesty But Not Modesty Culture.

Women are more than what they wear.

Women are more than the clothes they have on their backs.

Jesus taught that women are to be honored, loved, and valued.

So why is something as small as attire the main emphasis when it comes to women in the church? Does the church not realize that doing so actually belittles the purpose of women?

The main verse misused in modesty conversation comes from 1 Timothy 2:9-10 which says “And I want women to be modest in their appearance. They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to themselves by the way they fix their hair or by wearing gold or pearls or expensive clothes. For women who claim to be devoted to God should make themselves attractive by the good things they do.”

What Paul is actually explaining is that inner beauty needs to come first to women because, despite the outside, the heart is what matters most. He is telling us to not emphasize what we wear but who we are because we are so much more than our clothes. This does not mean we cannot care about our appearance but it does mean we should care about our relationship with God more. That is what Biblical modesty is. It is pointing others to God and away from ourselves, which is something that both men and women can practice.

I fear that the teaching of modesty incorrectly has turned a lot of women away in the church. They felt ashamed of how God made them, instead of encouraged to be who God has created them to be.

Women are meant to love, teach, lead, pray and so much more. Proverbs 31 says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”

When I was a very young girl I remember the church splitting up boys and girls to have “the modesty talk” and I certainly did not feel honored as a young woman. The speaker would talk about how our dresses shouldn’t be above the knee and our shoulders couldn’t show so we don’t tempt or distract the boys. As if an eight-year-old girl should be looked at as a sexual being to begin with. There was no talk of consent and who to go to if a boy makes us feel uncomfortable because it was our responsibility to control the boys around us, they just couldn’t help themselves. The talk was centered around our clothes not our hearts, which is what creates the problem. Modesty has to start at the heart not your skirt length.

I should say, even as a small child I never bought that teaching and felt it was an incorrect way of teaching modesty. It put so much emphasis on young women and not enough on young men. Consequently, the church is actually doing a major disservice to the men by not allowing them to take ownership of their sins. If they recognize their lust as sin then with Christ they can overcome their sin and be the godly men they are called to be.

The verse before 1 Timothy 2:9 is equally as important but often left out in this conversation which states, “In every place of worship, I want men to pray with holy hands lift up to God, free from anger and controversy.”

Men are called to a higher standard as well, they are called to be without assault, aggression and that is what should be taught at a young age.

Year after year we would have the same “modesty talk” as we got older nothing changed. They never brought up porn or lust to us women as if that is something we don’t struggle with. Once again the church is doing a disservice by manipulating the modest conversation by assuming that lust is only a male issue. So when I did struggle with porn I felt alone, embarrassed, and had no one to turn to.

Because I was taught I was the temptation, not the one who would ever be tempted.

The church needs to correct itself and the years of damage it has done by teaching modesty incorrectly. I personally, am not against modesty but I am against modesty culture and the damage it can lead to. It has led to a rise in porn addiction in women, it has led to victim shaming and rape culture, it has led to fellow women in the church asking “Well what was she wearing?” When they hear a woman was assaulted. Rape is not a wardrobe problem but a heart problem. Victim shaming is a deep-seated issue in the heart of many Christians due partially to the fact that modesty was taught incorrectly and we need to do better. We need to lead with love, not condemnation. We need to place conviction on the correct person(s) and not use women's attire as a scapegoat for the sins of others.

Because I was taught I was the distraction.

But regardless of their outward appearance women cannot be a distraction from God if their heart is pointing towards Christ.

Of course, women have a responsibility to be an example of Christ but we can do so in a bathing suit, a wedding dress, a stained sweater, or even our pajamas and a messy bun because we are so much more than what we wear.